Herstory

U.S. Presidents Ranked by Fuckability

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According to CBS News, the top three sexiest world leaders in 2019 are Justin Trudeau of Canada, Pedro Sánchez of Spain, and Prince William of England. If former President Barack Obama was still in office, I’m sure he would have made the list. Sexiness depends on looks, and Obama is hotness itself: tall, broad-shouldered, handsome, a chemistry experiment waiting to happen.

Based on my other criteria—a world leader’s record on civil rights and how he treats women— Obama might be one of the sexiest U.S. presidents of all time, which makes him number one on the list of U.S. presidents I would fuck (though I would never really do it, out of respect for Michelle, whose memoir, Becoming, is an excellent read).

If Obama was the only former U.S. president available to fantasize about, I would be forced to become a nun. Fortunately, there are other men, and some of them have been U.S. presidents. What follows is a list of the other forty-three U.S. presidents ranked according to their fuckability, from most desirable to least:

1. Barack Obama: As Molly Bloom would say, Yes I said yes I will Yes, but no. Sorry, ladies, he’s taken.

2. Rutherford B. Hayes: Absolutely fuckalicious! Hot in all ways. His cousin coined the term “free love.” As a lawyer, Hayes defended fugitive slaves in their fight for freedom in antebellum Cincinnati! His Union company was made up of Literary Society friends, and he was stationed in West Virginia, where I live; perfect! When he inherited a chunk of money, he endowed a library!

3. Millard Fillmore: I have fallen deeply in lust. I agree with Queen Victoria, who said Millard was the handsomest man she had ever seen. His politics makes me want to lick him. Absolutely fuckable.

4. Abraham Lincoln: Yes, yes, yes, fuckable. I’d climb his tall body like a tree.

5. Theodore “Teddy” Roosevelt: Eminently fuckable, in so many ways: cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, get-along-little-dogies style.

6. Franklin D. Roosevelt: Absolutely fuckable, and so was Eleanor.

7. Dwight D. Eisenhower: Without a doubt, fuckable. When the Navy resisted integration, he said, “We have not taken and we shall not take a single backward step. There must be no second class citizens in this country.” Hot!! He liked to play poker and oil paint in his spare time, and he made the Interstate Highway System happen. He was on the right side of history 90% of the time. It’s a crying shame he was a homophobe.

8. John Quincy Adams: If you like them small and lean, he’s bangable.

9. Benjamin Harrison: Handsome in a wideset-eyes kind of way. I would bang him missionary-style because, even though he championed Civil Rights and national parks, he was a square.

10. Lyndon B. Johnson: A shape-shifting son of a gun who knew how to get things done. Verdict: fuckable.

11. John Adams: He was a DILF. I would have banged him due to the fact that he’s the only Founding Father president who didn’t own slaves, but he probably wouldn’t have banged me because he absolutely adored his wife, Abigail.

12. William McKinley: I want to fuck him until he smiles. In his pictures, he’s never smiling. I would fuck him like a rock star because he defended striking coal miners pro bono in a fight for labor rights, and he won the case.

13. William Howard Taft: He deserves a good, honest fuck in a jacuzzi for being a reformer, a peace activist, and a baseball fan.

14. Herbert Hoover: This guy traveled the world managing gold mines! He was a progressive when it came to workers’ rights and organized labor, but terrible at financial crisis management. In the end: still fuckable.

15. Harry S. Truman: Yes, Harry, the buck stops here: bangable.

16. Jimmy Carter: He’s a poster boy for fuckable: a handsome guy on the right side of history who knows how to swing a hammer.

17. Gerald Ford: Unequivocally fuckable due to his hotness and his politics.

18. Ulysses S. Grant: He was no Benjamin$$, but I would have banged him.

19. Franklin Pierce: I would at least have offered him a sympathy fuck because of his personal tragedies, plus he was friends with Nathaniel Hawthorne.

20. James Buchanan: If he’d been straight, I would’ve banged him.

21. Warren G. Harding: He was a lover, not a fighter. Fuckable.

22. John F. Kennedy: On paper, he’s known as one of the sexier presidents. I guess if he was good enough for Jackie O. and Marilyn, he’s fuckable.

23. Calvin Coolidge: He was the stoic, silent type. Not my type, but I would have fucked him.

24. George H.W. Bush: He’s not unattractive. He’s fuckable on the grounds of the Immigration Act of 1990.

25. James Garfield: If he had lived, he would have been fuckable. He’s like the narrator who dies for a noble cause in Emily Dickinson’s poem #449, his cause being the holy crusade against the Slaveocracy.

26. George W. Bush: I never knew I had an ear fetish. His temporary guest-worker program still makes me creamy. Too bad the Republican Senate voted it down. He’s fuckable.

27. Martin Van Buren: I could have made Martin happy, but would he have returned the favor? The hottest thing about him was that he was an anti-slavery leader. Bangable.

28. Richard Nixon: You know, he did some good things for women, children, and African Americans. I would at least give him a hand job.

29. Thomas Jefferson: His portrait resembles a later Clint Eastwood. In theory, he’s bangable, but in reality, nah!

30. Bill Clinton: He wasn’t the worst president ever, but he’s unfuckable due to the fact that he’s already fucked his way through his lifetime quota of women.

31. Ronald Reagan: You’ve got to be kidding me. Fuck the man who widened the income gap in America and who eliminated services for the mentally ill, abandoning them to homelessness and incarceration? Not in a million years.

32. James Madison: Oh Daddy-O, I wish you were fuckable. But you owned slaves and couldn’t imagine that all men and women deserve civil rights.

33. Grover Cleveland: Even though he was president twice AND the son of a preacher man, he doesn’t reach me. He was the first president accused of rape, and he tried to have the woman locked up in a mental asylum to silence her. He’s not fuckable, he’s a fuckhead.

34. Woodrow Wilson: He gets some credit for advancing modern American liberalism, but in the end, he’s unfuckable. Not only was he an apologist for racism, he resembled Herman Munster.

35. Chester A. Arthur: Unfuckable, primarily due to the fact that he signed the Chinese Exclusion Act, the first total ban on an ethnic or national group from immigrating to the U.S. Way to set a precedent, Chester!

36. William Henry Harrison: Who wouldn’t want to bang the governor of the old Northwest Territory? He was a renegade who eloped with a woman named Anna against her father’s wishes. He would be bangable, but he owned slaves. He’s a no-go.

37. Andrew Johnson: I want to give him a break. He wasn’t a bad-looking man; he resembled Steve Martin, that wild and crazy guy. And Johnson recruited 20,000 former slaves to serve the Union. In the end, however, he’s unfuckable, because he couldn’t change his mind when the facts changed.

38. Andrew Jackson: His portrait is handsome enough. He looks like he might be a wild man, and he did have a “frontier marriage.” Too bad he became a slave owner once he could afford slaves, rendering him unbangable.

39. Zachary Taylor: Finally, the last president chronologically who owned slaves. Not bangable. Next!

40. James K. Polk: He looks vaguely like a white-haired Mel Gibson, but he never had any fun. When he was president, dancing, card games, and hard liquor were banned at the White House. What, no whiskey? And he owned slaves. Unfuckable.

41. George Washington: Unfuckable due to his slave-holding, fox hunting, cockfighting ways, a shame because he might have been packing a beast.

42. John Tyler: This dude still has two living grandchildren! He fathered more children than any other POTUS! It’s a crying shame that after he was president, he joined the wrong side during the War Between the States. He’s the only president ever whose coffin was draped with the Confederate flag. Yikes!

43. Donald Trump: No. Just no. Hell no. The thought is terrifying on so many levels. I’m afraid I’d lose IQ points or get cooties just being in the same room with him. Unfuckable.

44. James Monroe: This guy looks like a weasel. He’s downright untouchable due his fucked-up slave-holding practices. Not sorry. The most unfuckable president of all.

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