A rant in no particular order.

1. I need to lose weight for health reasons (blood pressure, cholesterol, stress on the joints, etc.). I’m not so enlightened that I’d be sorry to look a little thinner, too, even though my personal philosophy is better suited to Health at Every Size, The Body Is Not An Apology, and other body positivity movements. And I am damn tired of buying new clothes as I get bigger; it’s expensive, and I miss my old clothes, and as your size goes up, your choice of nice-looking, quality-made clothes goes down. (I like the [limited] plus-size section at Dillard’s for example, but walking past all the super-cute outfits in the non-plus-size part of the store really amps up my envy as well as my shame.)

2. WHY IS IT SO HARD? Why have the medical folks not developed something to make it easier? We have pills and procedures for EVERYTHING–why not this? Our choices are: diet and exercise or a major surgery involving making the stomach literally smaller. What about changing the gut microbiome, which some studies have shown is linked to weight? What about a pill that cuts the cravings (and doesn’t turn you into an addict)? All the people in Star Trek are of average/thin weight—where’s the medical breakthrough that makes this possible?

And don’t tell me that millions of Americans are just lazy slobs with no willpower, that if they just “didn’t eat that donut” they’d be fine. Nope. I don’t buy that, and neither do the many studies that show only 3-5 percent of people who lose weight actually keep it off. Also, I’M not a lazy slob with no willpower. I’ve survived a SHIT TON of stuff that required strength and resilience. I’ve got reserves of mental and emotional strength that have kept me alive when my brain was trying to kill me. Am I contempt-worthy, my every health problem dismissed because I’m fat? (I have to say that I’ve been lucky; I’ve had doctors who did actually treat my ailments. But I know how lucky I am.)

3. I know some wonderful people who have, actually, lost weight and kept it off. Believe me, I know the techniques: eat/don’t eat certain types of foods, get a LOT more exercise, cut down portion size, etc. I admire y’all, and I think you’re AMAZING. I’m especially impressed by those of you who keep up that exercise because you enjoy it. But I also know some folks who hate exercise but do it for weight loss, and even more people who obsess about food, counting calories and resisting cravings every single day. I don’t want my life to be about that. I have limited attention capacity, and I’d rather that bandwidth is taken up by cute dogs and poetry and mindfulness and silly jokes and resisting oppression and just about anything but my diet. Heck, I’m the person who resents having to stop for lunch in the middle of the day, because my brain is working and it takes away from my writing time.

So I’m not looking for advice here, just a chance to vent. I’m hoping to express something so many of us struggle with, something for which there is no easy or straightforward solution (for most people).

4. Don’t tell me “don’t diet.” Because guess what? Not dieting is what got me here. Not dieting means having chocolate digestives (English cookies) when I get peckish in the late afternoon. Not dieting means dessert after dinner. Not dieting means a gin and tonic with dinner, full sugar tonic. (I’m sensitive to non-sugar sweeteners—I get a headache or stomachache when I drink diet sodas.) “Don’t diet, just eat healthy” IS STILL A DIET.

5. I want a freaking cupcake, pretty much ALL THE TIME. No, the cravings don’t go away for me. I was off sugar for a month and the cravings were still very strong. It’s both psychological and physical. We’re WIRED so that sugar and carbs hit the pleasure centers, and I admit it: I like pleasure. I’m no Puritan. (Is it ironic or telling that the country founded by Puritans struggles the most with weight? Is there something about telling ourselves that delicious food is sinful–and the moral shame that we heap upon ourselves and find heaped upon us by our still-oddly-Puritanical culture–that makes it harder to resist? Or is it more related to the worship of capitalism and consumerism, and the mixed messages that we must consume as much as possible in order to be good citizens of the U.S., but not when it comes to this one thing?)

6. Does my health and appearance even matter when the world is burning down politically and ecologically? Don’t those realities just mean “Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die” is a pretty damn good philosophy? I mean, I’ve literally never felt so sure that human life could become miserable from lack of resources, fascism, the divide between the rich and the poor–within my lifetime. I was one of those young science fiction readers who believed wholeheartedly that those in power would avoid the mistakes so eloquently pointed out to them by writers and thinkers, scientists and intellectuals. These days–ok, to be honest, these past couple of years in particular–I have been disillusioned again and again. With insects dying off at an alarming rate and the impact of those die-offs on all life on earth, why should I or anyone else care if I’m fat?

7. I know the answer that works best for me: one day at a time. For my health–mental and physical–and for living in this f%&@ed up world. If I give in to the 276^th time I’m tempted by sweets in a day and eat some, then I’ll try to go back to healthy eating the next day. If I get through today eating healthy, then that’s fine, but it doesn’t put any more or less pressure on tomorrow. It’s just a day, at the end of which I hope I’ll remember to be grateful for what I have: a body that can walk in nature, take care of my cats and dog, hug my husband, read and write poetry, tell friends and family that I love them, and yes, occasionally enjoy a cupcake.