I am living on two levels these days. Or, I should say, these days more than I ever used to. On one level, I’m sitting on the couch, typing on my computer, or looking out the window at birds, the air conditioning humming. Maybe I’ve got a cup of tea to drink. Maybe I’m thinking about my elderly dog and elderly cat, and how they’ll do while I’m in England for 3 weeks visiting my husband’s family. Maybe I’m thinking about what we’ll have for dinner, or the book I read recently. On this level, I inhabit my daily life.
On another level, I worry about whether my husband and I should be fleeing America. I am wondering if the misogynist world of The Handmaid’s Tale, which is a popular tv show now but was a dystopian book I taught in the 1990s, is actually coming. On this level, I become enraged when I read the news, my own government separating innocent children from their families, condoning police violence, actively seeking to disenfranchise voters, spurning both the rule of law and the Constitution. I genuinely worry that the U.S. is going to cease to become a democracy, that money will go continually into the hands of the ultra-rich, that more and more poor people will simply die on the street. I feel sick to my stomach, and helpless, and angry, and afraid.
I am accustomed to living in multiple worlds: I am a reader and a writer. The inner and the outer lives have always taken different paths, intersecting and then going off on their own loops and curves. But this feels different. The political fears underlie both inner and outer worlds. No novel or television show is ever a complete escape, though it can be a temporary relief. And when I bring myself back to the concrete world of daily life, the couch seems vaguely transparent, unreal, with the images of human and environmental pain and loss magnified by this political present superimposed.
As someone who meditates and promotes meditation, I know one solution is to try to truly ground myself in the here-and-now. To meditate more, and to practice mindfulness, to try to quiet the regrets about the past and fears about the future. To recognize that we live in this moment, not the past or the future, and that we have little control over the future and none over the past.
I think one of my problems with embracing this good advice is that I know, in the present moment, terrible things are happening in this very country where I live. The noise that distracts me from a central, calm self that is greater than my own private worries has swelled with the voices of people and animals hurt because of specific policies and actions taking place in my own country. These horrors are not happening far away in either place or time. They are happening now.
Meditation, then, begins to feel more selfish than selfless. I can sometimes mute my own personal worries, but the larger chorus goes on. I don’t know how to mute that chorus. I don’t know if I should.
And yet, and yet. What good does it do the world for me to descend into depression and fear? Even if it does the world no good for me to stay afloat, it surely cannot do harm. My vote, so I want to believe, matters.
I am nostalgic for the time when my worries and sorrows felt more personal. I am nostalgic, as so much of America is, for leaders who seemed, at least, ruled by logic and law, if not always the greater good. Whatever I do, I alone cannot control this political fear in which I live. So I will do the one thing I can control: meditate, so as to give myself momentary relief. And encourage others to give themselves relief as well, in the ways that seem best to them.
Endure. Be kind. Resist. Vote.
Categories: Katie's Voice, News
The Gloria Sirens 
Like you and many others, I feel the same way. What will become of this country? When I read that you were going to England, it made me think, why not stay? Then I began looking at other countries, such as Canada, But that would be running away. We have to stay. We have to do something. We have to vote. We have to form and join committees. We have to finish what we start, such as MeToo. Whatever happened to that? We have to stay in the news, bombard the listeners and readers with the good, the responsible, the moral things. We hear the ugly, but we need to hear the good. And we need to get others to help. I rarely respond to the many blogs I read, even though I like most of them and agree with most of them, but this time . . . .
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Thank you so much for writing this comment! These are excellent suggestions. And I’ve thought of leaving—yearn to leave—but like most folks, work is here. If I were in my 20s, I would really think of going abroad, at least for a few years. But I like your courage!
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Thank you so much for this piece. Let your light shine, Katie, and know that positive energy always floods out the darkness. Judy is right, we must finish what we start.
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Thanks so much for the piece. I feel the same. One day at a time. And have faith. Goodness prevails we just have to endure the daily assaults. Peace to you friend. Thank you.
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Hi Katie,
For me, the disheartening is the realization that much of this divisiveness has been around for my generation. It was kept in the confines of our homes or a least small groups. Now it has been legitimized to show your bigotry, discrimination, and hatred. Every day we witness what was our good society go down the sewer. It too bothers me how we will recover. This is a powerful post and I will re-post it on my site. Thank you for sharing.
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Thanks for sharing, Chuck. I agree—you put this so well.
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I just spent visiting my blog (buildingalifeofhope.com) because I haven’t written a word since April 30, 2017. I have been afraid to write because I have feared that all my posts would be the same-stories or poems about the current state of our country. In fact, most of the writing between late 2016 until the spring of 2017 was centered around this theme. I was living it and didn’t want to write about it again. Every day is traumatizing, maddening and filled with anxiety. Like you, I meditate. It helps not only my spirit, but for those times when all of my protests, petitions and phone calls have left me ragged and untethered. When I meditate. I like to believe that the energy that I send out during the quiet times is also helping others. In late May, I visited Italy. It was the first time I had ever left America and I must say that I was tempted to stay away. Of course, this is unrealistic for so many reasons but living here and staying in the fight is exhausting! Thank you for putting my own thoughts into words. I will reblog your post as well!
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Thank you for writing this comment. It is a little easier to know we aren’t feeling this alone. ❤️
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Absolutely! Your post has inspired me to “pick up my pen” once again. Besides, I am teaching a new course on writing this upcoming term and my students need to have a role model! My notebook is slowly filling up.
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Thank you.
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