Okay, yes, I’ve been told I’m too tolerant, too forgiving, and so open-minded my brains fall out. But if you have a Difficult Person (DP) in your life, my wide-open mind (and my dog training skills) might be of use to you right now.

First, let me clarify what I mean by a “difficult person.” I don’t mean an abusive jerk you can’t escape. If you are financially or emotionally dependent on a bully or a narcissist or someone who’s in any way physically or psychologically harming you, please reach out to a professional counselor or the Domestic Abuse Hotline, 800-799-7233. I’ve been there. People I love have been there. You have my deepest sympathies.

By “difficult,” I mean someone who bugs you at work, at pickle ball, or in your own kitchen. Maybe they hurt your feelings. Maybe they frustrate or upset you. Maybe they argue with everything you say. Maybe they’re a teenager. Maybe they’re a sixty-year-old who behaves like a teenager. DPs are “sensitive,” “hot-headed,” “stubborn,” “judgmental,” “opinionated,” or way too quick to give unsolicited advice. Just thinking about them as you read this gives you a knot in your stomach.

For one reason or other, they get your goat.

A DP is like a pebble in your shoe or a bad cold you can’t shake. Maybe they even keep you awake at night. Still, the relationship isn’t so bad that you want to leave your job, neighborhood, or spouse. Overall, you can’t help feeling the office or the book club would be a lot sweeter if Karen weren’t in it, but getting rid of her isn’t worth the jail time.

Here’s how I learned to stop hating the DPs in my life and to even grow fond of them:

I. Pay the DP a compliment.

Our brains are designed to solve problems, and a DP is recurrent problem. Focusing on the problem often magnifies it, turns a molehill into a mountain, and otherwise amplifies your unhappiness, makes you a smoldering heap of resentment and distrust whenever you’re around the DP. You start developing a kind of phobia around this person because your brain associates it with all those aversive feelings. You can turn that cycle around today.

I once challenged myself to pay someone one genuine compliment a day, and it was magic. I went into work wondering what that one compliment was going to be and who was going to get it. I saw so many things to complimenet, delighted so many people, and ended up paying a lot more compliments over all. I soon felt like I had a superpower. The coolest thing about it, though, was how dramatically it changed the way I saw everyone around me. Paying a DP a compliment can disarm both of you, but more importantly, it will change the way you regard them, because you’ll be looking for and finding the genuine good in them. Plus, studies have shown that, although you’re making people happy giving them a compliment, you’re making yourself even happier, because you get more dopamine by giving. Apparently “it is better to give than to receive” is true!

Keep in mind compliments have more power if you pay them in front of other people, so if you really want to shift the way you and your DP see each other, pay the DP a genuine compliment in front of others. You will change the very foundation of your relationship. The DP will like and trust you more, and you will see the good in them, not just the irritant.

II. Be curious.

Ask a question out of curiosity and listen to the answer. When a DP is working your last nerve, frustrating you, talking over you, defying you, nitpicking on you, the last thing you’ll want to do is listen to them. It may feel that all you ever do is listen to this person. However, there are different ways of listening, and there are different things to listen to. When you find yourself getting tense or irritated, ask a question out of genuine curiosity. Then let yourself learn something new about or from this person.

Not only does learning give you a dopamine fix, it gives you a feeling of accomplishment to see progress in slowly removing a source of conflict, like cleaning out your garage.

Questions I’ve asked that break a deadlock with a difficult person are:

“What’s on your mind?” Don’t say, “Why do you do you insist on loading the dishwasher that way?” It’ll sound like you’re looking for ammo. Instead, adopt an air of curiosity and say “What’s on your mind when you’re writing an email to the board?”  Or “How did you learn table manners? How were they taught in your family?” As with a genuine compliment, genuine interest will make the DP more interesting. People never fail to surprise me with their complexity. When I focus my curiosity on a DP, they become “round characters.”

“How are you feeling?” When you feel like asking, “What is WRONG with you?” or “Did you forget to take your meds?” stop yourself. Sometimes difficult people are difficult—cranky, controlling, judgmental–because they don’t feel good. You probably aren’t Little Miss Sunshine when you have a backache. If you’re aware of a DP’s tribulations, ask about one. “How’s your foot?” or “What did your endocrinologist say?” Maybe the stressor isn’t physical. You can ask, “How’re you feeling about seeing your mom?” or “How are you feeling about the presentation you’re giving tomorrow?” or “How’s your kid adjusting to college?” The DP will feel cared for. Perhaps you already do care, or perhaps you forgot to care, or maybe you and your teammates who all agree the DP is an awful person forgot she is a person. Nobody likes to be demonized, it’s never fair or accurate, but sometimes when someone is causing us unpleasantness, we accidentally demonize them. Whatever the case, if you ask an earnest question about their feelings, you’ll have invested in compassion. You’ll have humanized them, which will take the edge off for both of you.

“What happened?” Sometimes people seem difficult because you’ve heard someone else’s version of a dramatic incident that makes this person look insufferable. That story affects how you treat them. When I hear an unflattering story about someone I have to interact with and I ask the DP what happened, I hear a different story, and the differences can be fascinating (remember that dopamine fix you get when you’re learning something new?). Remember everyone is the hero of their own narrative. Hearing the DP’s side helps me see them the way they see themselves. Listening to their side without judgement or investment in the tale helps me become an ally rather than an adversary. Most importantly, it dials down the stress in my life.

III. Do something different together.

I bet the last thing you want to do is spend more time with this person. That’s fair. In fact, less time is probably a good idea. But if your paths are going to keep crossing, there’s a price you pay for avoidance.

By different, I mean different for you. The goal here is to make your life less stressful, and one way to change the dynamic with a difficult person is to flip the script for yourself. For example, if you’re in a dominant role, say as their parent or manager, make yourself a temporary subordinate in some way. In animal behavior, it’s called “self-handicapping,” and it’s done in play, as when a big adult dog lies down to play with a puppy.

If your paths are going to keep crossing, the fastest and easiest way to dial down your dismal feelings is to interact with this person in an entirely new context. That’s why corporations pay big bucks for team-building activities and getaways. I’m not saying travel together–that can be an absolute disaster because travel is stressful, and if you add that gasoline your smoldering heart, you may have a five-alarm fire. But finding an activity that shifts the roles you play for each other may be just the thing. Here are some things I’ve done with difficult people that have dramatically lowered the stress between us forever afterwards.

Agree to go on an errand with them, work on a project, clean out a storeroom–anything to break you out of your unhealthy roles and allow you to see each other in a new light.

Ask them to teach you something. I look for something they do well (remember the compliments?) and asked them to teach it to me. Everyone enjoys being good at something, so you’ve made them feel good just by asking. Even if it’s just how to change your away message in your email, when they teach you something, they become invested in you and are more likely to regard you in a positive light. And you get to learn something new too (more dopamine!).

Ask them to tell you a story. How did you decide to become an actuary? When did you realize you loved collecting comic books? What was your favorite thing about living in Wisconsin and why? Open-ended questions give you way to “do something different” with the DP without having to go bowling together.

These are just three ways I’ve learned to make my life happier around people I once found difficult. How do you do it? What’s worked for you?

Or have YOU been the difficult person? What do people do to make peace with you?

We’d love to hear from you!