Dog Days

A Dog’s Message to Undecided Voters

p1180811These days, they let anybody vote. Felons, zombies, bitches, anybody. Just look at them. So they might as well let me vote.

I love the ladies. Nobody respects the ladies more. In fact, I go right up and kiss them, I can’t help myself! I don’t even pop a Tic Tac first. I jam my nose right in their crotches. Yes, they push me away, but listen—they laugh, they smile, they say, “It’s okay. I love dogs!” and they were the ones who let it happen, they came walking over with their crotches at nose height, so I ask you, what do women really want? It’s a mixed message, people.

p1180798-001And the crazy cat ladies out there, there’s always a crazy cat lady, they’re gonna say I grab their pussies. Wrong. Lies. But come on. What could come more naturally to a dog? And they still love me. Even the crazy cat ladies. So that should tell you something.

I’m here to tell you undecided voters what you should do. If you can’t decide, ask yourself, How Would Mickey Vote? Why? Because I love everybody. Especially animals. Love them. I’m a champion of all the animals. Especially sheep. Nobody has more respect for sheep. There aren’t enough animals in the world. Am I right? Have you seen the environment? It’s a disaster. The North Pole? Terrible.

p1180805Yes, Mars has potential, but do you really want to leave this planet? Our entire planet is becoming an inner city where you get shot just for being a deer and where there are hardly any other animals left. Maybe that’s exaggeration, but I’m not afraid of exaggeration. I don’t shrink from hyperbole. My courage is yuge. Nobody’s courage is biglier. Just like my ears.

Have you seen the agility A-Frame? It’s tremendous, people. It’s like the Matterhorn to a dog, and I go right over it. It’s beautiful and huge and Mexico is getting an invoice. I promise you that. But maybe it was made in Mexico, and we already paid for it, I don’t know. But here’s the thing, the thing about voting: most of the humans at my local dog club are women. That’s right. That is not a lie, that is not an exaggeration, it is the truth. A hundred-percent FACT.

p1180800I respect women, nobody respects women more for their leadership in running the most successful dog club in North Pinellas County. Buying the equipment. Organizing the events. Training the people to train their dogs. Rescuing dogs. Actually rescuing homeless dogs who come from disastrous situations, disastrous, conditions that were left over from the former administration of dog owners, not their own fault. Raising money for dogs. Trickling down treats and filling up water bowls for dogs. It’s the women. It’s the women every time. Flat-out, women make some of the best dog people the Earth has ever known.

fullsizerender-131Most dogs love most women. It’s the truth. Everybody’s talking about it. They’re all saying so. Dogs love women. You don’t need Russia to leak you that email. But if you want to see it, I know a cat who can get it for you.

Everybody knows dogs are the best judge of character. Tremendous judges of character. Any dog can sniff out an asshole.

Dogs love women. They respect, obey, appreciate the hard work they have done for over forty years, nasty bitches fighting for those who can’t speak for themselves. Some can’t speak for themselves, unlike Border Collies, smartest dogs in the world, graduated from Wharton, every single one of us. You know which way to vote. Think about it. Trust me.

If you’re still not sure that a woman’s the way to go, just ask the big dog with the little paws:

Am I big enough to vote yet?

Am I big enough to vote yet?

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