- you’re between the ages of 15 and 85 and feel you’re in your prime dog-rearing years.
- you think soccermoms and helicopter parents who put their children first are slackers.
Mick Rose Jagger, Research Assistant, DogMom University
- you’re more on top of your dog’s diet, sleep habits, play dates, clothing, accessories, and extra curricular activities than your own.
- your dog has homework and you make sure she gets it done on time.
- you sometimes wonder if you spend more than you should on your dog’s daycare, pet-sitters, training classes, bedding, treats, strollers, meals, clothing, school supplies, and Halloween costumes, but did you see his face when you gave him the whole package of wild Pacific smoked salmon? So worth it!
- you don’t exactly lie to your significant other about how much you spend on the dog, but you pay cash and hide the receipts at the bottom of the trash can.
You know it’s impossible, but your heart says it’s true, and the world should know even if it costs your friendship with the nerds next door.
- you not only consider your dogs to be family members, they occupy higher status than some human relatives because, unlike your relatives, your dog is innocent, lovable, and good-looking.
- if it weren’t for you, your dog would be suffering somewhere lost in this cold and nasty world, and your dog understands this, never forgets it, and makes sure you constantly feel loved and appreciated in a million different ways, which is why your dog is so much smarter than certain people you know.
- you believe the way a person treats a dog reveals character, which is why it’s right to judge other people’s treatment of dogs with a kind of born-again dog-loving fervor–but the one you judge most harshly is yourself.
- you wish there were a special church just for dog people, and think sometimes maybe you’ll found it.
- you believe that destiny brought your dog to you, that your union was “meant to be.”
Her ears get cold, but who needs a reason?
- if you’ve rescued your dog, the rescue has become the most meaningful part of your identity, a badge that honors the best of your character, and there should be more than just bumper stickers to let the world know, but plaques for your office and front door, shoulder badges, medals, bars, or at least a lapel pin.
- if your dog is purebred, the breeder and other puppy owners are instant family members and feel more genetically in tune with you than your own human relatives.
- if you have children, they get mad when you put the biggest portions on the dog’s plate, and they really don’t think it’s fair that the dog gets to sleep on your bed and they don’t.
- you believe positive reinforcement is for dogs, negative reinforcement for people.
You’ll replace your daughter’s robe–eventually.
- you may foster dogs or feel you should foster or would foster if only you didn’t love so much.
- dog hair sometimes clogs your CPAP machine, but you’d rather die than ask your dog to sleep in her own bed.
- you know how many dogs you can take care of while maintaining your high standards, which is the main reason you don’t foster, because you’d keep them all and the quality of care would suffer and then you wouldn’t deserve any of them, and you’d have to relinquish them all, and if you can’t have a dog, what is there to live for?
- if you’ve ever suffered a severe change of circumstance (divorce, bankruptcy, tragic family illness, or death) that forced you to re-home your dog, you carry dark, secret grief about it–it may have been your biggest loss.
Not a lot of people know this, but Wonder Woman replaced her lasso with a 30-ft lunge line.
- you secretly wish you’d see a dog trapped in a hot car so you could rescue it and think maybe you should start carrying a brick.
- you carry a brick so you can free a dog trapped in a hot car, and you wonder if you’d stop at just smashing the window.
- when you meet some superhero who seems to have more time, money, and energy to shower on their dogs than you do, you feel really uncomfortable and swear you’ll get your act together–make more money, find more free time, buy a bigger lot with a bigger house and a gym with a treadmill for your dog and a pool with a current generator and an entertainment room with an eighty-inch interactive screen, a trampoline, and a lifetime subscription to DogTV.
You are slaves to a superior race from another planet! We are subjugating you one wet nose at a time!
- your dog’s neutering traumatized you more than your spouse’s triple bypass surgery.
- You would drain your 401K to save your dog and know the world would be a better place if everyone else felt the same.
- you don’t consider yourself a pet “owner,” but more like a parent,guardian, or savior, and you wish there were a better word!