These really work. Try one, or any combination of two or more. Mix and match! They work best right as you’re leaving for the office or climbing out of bed tousled.
- “This stranger on Facebook asked me if I’d help foster a puppy. I said maybe, but I sure better talk to my husband first, of course! The next thing I knew she was sending me a whole litter. It’s the damnedest thing–it didn’t even occur to me to say no. Do you think I had a mini-stroke? What are the symptoms? Maybe it never really happened. Do you smell smoke? [swoon] I better go lie down . . . by the way, they’ll be here Saturday. . . .”
- “In a weak moment, I’d gotten a enormous bucket of fried chicken [this works especially well if, like me, you’re vegetarian]. I was looking for a place to pull over and eat it when I saw this mob of desperate homeless people on the roadside. I noticed they’d made four fires, and over the fires they had set up four spits, and then I saw four adorable puppies! They were rubbing them with chipotle seasoning! I got there just in time! I traded with the homeless people–the chicken in exchange for the puppies’ lives. It was like, I don’t know, fate.”
- “I was out in the backyard, when the ground shook, and I saw this hole, like a den. And one by one, these puppies popped out!Maybe it was a repurposed armadillo hole. I waited for their mother, but no sign of her. And then out of nowhere, the earth shook, and the hole closed up. It was awful! I hope the mother wasn’t still in there! Didn’t you feel the tremors? Come on. You must’ve felt them. You don’t notice much, do you? Anyway, I’m sure the it’ll be on the news tonight. We should have the property inspected for sinkholes. In the meantime, look! Puppies!”
- “I was driving back from coffee with a friend when this bright light blinded me, and the car stalled. Through the glare I could make out this huge tubular silver shape overhead. It looked like a giant, gleaming rawhide bone. I thought it must be a drone, you know, from the military base, but then there was this bald creature with huge eyes stepped right out in the road in front of me, and I was terrified! I must’ve passed out. When I came to, I was still in my car–and dressed, thank God. I thought it was all a freaky dream, but then I heard whimpering in the back seat, and there were these three puppies! Aren’t they cute? Do you think they might be aliens?”
- “I was in the mall and this guy wearing a turban with a sickle-moon pin on it came up to me and gave me three wishes. I was thinking about whether I should ask for world peace, a press pot, or unlimited funding for public radio when I laughed and said, “Wow, I’m such a yuppie.” He said, “Done!” and vanished. There I stood in the middle of the mall–holding three puppies. Next thing I knew mall security told me I had to leave. No dogs allowed. Heartless, soul-less blockheads! We’ll just keep the poor cuties until we can find them decent homes [which is fostering].”