Warnings on all the Border Collie websites boil down to:

#1. Border Collies are maniacs, and no sane person wants one.

#2. Border Collies are the coolest dogs in the world, and you aren’t worthy.

It leads you to conclude that only narcissistic know-it-alls get to have crazy-cool smart dogs, and you don’t. The reasons they give you look like this:

#3. You Don’t Have the Right Stuff

By now you know that in order to acquire a Border Collie, you need to prove that you have:

• • • • a fenced yard,
      • eight to ten free hours a day,
      • your own sheep farm, or at least your own agility course,
      • a degree in law, veterinary medicine, ethics, animal behavior, sports management, cognitive psychology, and a minor in canine culinary science and nutrition,
      • no children, cats, computers, or other distractions,
      • six years of experience owning, training, and living with an actual Border Collie (please provide a DNA sample), or a preexisting dog pack, preferably Aussies, Shelties, Belgian Malinois, dolphins, or other “starter Border Collies,” with titles in obedience, agility, or herding (USBCHA or ISDS),*
      • transcripts of your Border Collie’s attendance in accredited schools,
      • three letters of recommendation from your Border Collie’s trainers, veterinarian, and life coach,
      • your Border collie’s SAT scores (sent directly from The Canine College Board),
      • evidence of your Border Collie’s participation in extracurricular activities, including but not limited to search and rescue (photocopies of Presidential Commendations are not acceptable), soccer camp, and leadership positions in national, international, and intergalactic political campaigns,
      • a PET scan of your soul.