Crime of the Month

Crime of the Month: Lunchables

lunch

People, it’s time to boycott the Lunchable. The Lunchable is a crime against children and humanity. With its shiny packaging printed in primary colors, the Lunchable is the Pied Piper of foods. Children like shiny things, and so do baby crows and their crow mothers. The Lunchable appeals to mothers by claiming, “Studies show that children who eat their lunch do better in school.”

Come on, Marketing Team, children who are fed lunch do better at life in general, but the Lunchable is not the best thing to feed hungry kids. It has, on average, three-quarters of the recommended daily allowance of salt. It is full of additives and chemicals, including starch to keep the cheese slices separated, hydrogenated oil and high fructose corn syrup in its crackers, and sodium nitrate and “smoke flavor” in its turkey slices. What exactly is “smoke flavor”? Does the phrase remind you of ashtrays?

Aside from the lack of nutrition in a Lunchable, there’s the problem of its packaging. The plastic container is pure petroleum product, disposable for convenience, but it won’t decompose for three million years. In terms of convenience, a bright young scholar once wrote, “Since the beginning of time, mothers have relied on Lunchables.” Kraft Heinz should have hired her immediately.

Some people will say I’m trying to spoil the fun of Lunchables. Who doesn’t want to play around with cookie-cutter-round lunch meat and cheese frisbees while considering if a mini Snickers bar and artificially flavored sugar water are part of a balanced meal?

Which brings up another issue: the privileged brats who get to have all the fun. The kids with working parents who have “real” careers, and more stress and money than time to think about nutrition. The Lunchable discriminates; if you can’t pay for it, you can’t play with it. It exposes socioeconomic status in elementary school lunchrooms across the country. The Lunchable is a bully, putting kids in their place.

For these reasons, I propose all citizens join together to boycott the Lunchable. When you see other consumers in the grocery store buying Lunchables, do your civic duty and warn them of the dangers. Save the children from fake nutrition, and the planet from gratuitous plastic waste! Close your wallet and walk past the shiny packaging. Sometimes what glitters is crap.

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