What it’s like when a shooter comes to your campus: Florida State University, November 20, 2014
By Catherine Frederick
I had the lights out and I was reading on my iPad when I heard one of my roommates say that there’d been a shooting at Strozier Library. My first reaction was a complete lack of reaction. I didn’t process. I wasn’t in shock. I didn’t freeze up. My mind just needed a few seconds to put definitions to the word that I’d just heard. I’d never realized that it took my mind that long to make connections. When it finally did, I rolled out of bed and tripped over a boot on the way to my door. They’d been in the way for a while, but I didn’t move them, because I always remembered that they were there. I’d never taken the time to imagine a scenario extreme enough that I’d forget they were there, and even if I had, I would have dismissed it. My second reaction (I cycled through several) was a sort incredulous amusement; as if to say ‘really, Florida?,’ which has become my go to response to all the crazy shit that seems to go on here. And a split second after that, for whatever reason, it became real. Suddenly, there was a person on my campus so angry that he took a gun to a library to kill people that he’d possibly never met. A deranged man with a gun came to my home and opened fire.
I was in no danger. I was safely ensconced in my dorm, and yet I trembled and sank down against a wall. I called my brother, and then I hung up quickly, because it occurred to me that it might ring and give away where he was if he was in the library, and I cursed myself and nearly cried for possibly getting my brother killed. I texted him instead. I called my mom. I called my dad. They both rang out. I called my mom again. And then one more time. I think. I might’ve called four or five times. I can’t be sure. And then I called my grandparents, just for good measure. Everyone I know seemed to be asleep all at the same moment. What were the odds? What were the chances? I started calling my friends. People who weren’t even students here. I just wanted to talk to somebody. I just wanted a voice on the other end of the line. But no one picked up.
I went into the contacts on my phone and started texting everyone I knew that went to FSU. When I’d done that, I scrolled through my entire list of Facebook friends and messaged every single person I knew who went to FSU, even if I hadn’t spoken to them in almost a year.
And all the while, my roommates are on twitter, monitoring what was happening in our library: our place of learning, our place of terror. We’d heard that the guy at the front desk had been shot. Was he alive? If he was, would he still be that way in the morning? Was it even a guy? Was it maybe a girl, with her hair in a ponytail and black framed glasses? Was she wearing a scarf, because it’s gotten so cold recently? Was he wearing converse? Or a superhero belt? Do they wear mismatched socks, like I do? Is he a nerd? Does she call her mother once a week, like my mom wishes I would? Is she still alive? Is he still breathing?
I’d contacted everyone, and people were getting back to me in a flood, which is good, but then the flood slowed down, and with nothing to do, numbness sank in. For about a minute, I sit on the floor, back to the wall, shuffling a deck of cards and taking comfort in a stuffed animal that I almost hadn’t brought to college for fear of looking childish. But it makes me think; is that really so bad, to be childish? Someone is killing people on campus, and that is an act of adults. Someone invented guns, and that is an act of adults. Someone is maybe bleeding out on the floor of the library, and god, let that never be the act of a child.
And so, then comes the anger. Because, when all is said and done, this will be insignificant. Two people dead? Tops? That’s nothing. (That’s everything.) As far as school shootings go, this one isn’t so bad. Those are the things that people will say. People will tell us we are lucky. People will forget that this happened, because not enough of us died.
We should not feel lucky, because the man who came to our home with a gun had bad aim. We should not feel lucky, because the man who came to our home with a gun didn’t kill as many of us as he probably would have liked. We shouldn’t even feel lucky if twenty years goes by without another school shooting. Because to feel lucky that it hasn’t happened, means that we anticipated that it would. It means we should have had a shooting in that time.
I don’t want to live in a country where we’re ‘lucky’ that only a few people died. I don’t want to live in a country where this is considered ‘not so bad’ as far as school shootings. I do not want to live in a country where we have standards by which we rank school shootings, because they’re just that common. Where are we going? And will this change anything at all?
Catherine Frederick, 19, studies psychology at Florida State University, where she enjoys reading, writing, and biting sarcasm.
Categories: Sister Sirens
Catherine, thank you for writing this. Susan, thank you for posting this.
thank you for this mssg
So very well said, Catherine. Thank you for writing this and sharing your story with us.
Reblogged this on Lisa Lanser Rose and commented:
It happened at Penn State when I was there–and the shooter was a woman hiding in the bushes with a sniper rifle, picking off students on their way to class. Believe it. But they don’t happen ANYWHERE in the world–they happen in the US. Ask yourself, why are random school shootings an American thing?
This is so well written. Thank you for writing it. I’m so sorry for your pain.
Thank you, Catherine. My son is a Seminole. As the father of a recent victim pleaded right after his son was killed. . .we don’t have to live this way. I’m completely disgusted with gun advocates who are constantly trotting out their right to bear arms with virtually no oversight, background checks etc. WHAT ABOUT THE RIGHTS OF INNOCENT PEOPLE TO LIVE? TO GO TO MALLS, SCHOOLS (FOR GODSAKES!), THEATRES, CONCERTS, ETC. WITHOUT FEAR? AMERICA is the only free country in the world with this craziness.
STAY CALM AND STRONG, CATHERINE.
Reblogged this on The Gloria Sirens and commented:
In the wake of yet another tragedy at a university, a reminder of what it’s like to be on campus as the tragedy unfolds.
I don’t get why people in the west want to own guns, unless you live in a ranch and you have to shoot coyotes and snakes, owning a gun is even scary to the owner.
Reblogged this on Kate McClelland.
Got here from Kate McClelland’s reblog. This is an amazing post – and I can relate to every single sentence. I’m several decades older, and was at the U. of Tenn. Knoxville when MLK was murdered in Memphis. Although it was not ON our campus, many of us were concerned there would be riots. I was still in the dorm, so there were people around – thank GOD. I, too, first experienced shock, but got to the anger part of grief pretty darned quickly.
The young college son of one of my colleagues (in Oregon – still a senior in HS. as well) ) was one small building away from the shooter at his school – and that gunman was working his way toward B’s class when he was apprehended. I heard the same shock from his mother.
People always want to know how many died – and, to tell the truth, I really don’t recall. There was a man with a GUN. Shooting people. At a school. And it is no longer rare. Our safety and security is shattered. Isn’t that enough for us to know that is something terribly, terribly wrong and that we need to fix it?
My generation lost its naivety when so many of our friends didn’t make it back from Nam. You lost yours in November.
I am praying for your return to yourself – as much as will be possible after something like this. You won’t always be this raw, but hang on to your memory of the anger. My generation counts on yours to do what we were not able. This nonsense must STOP.
(Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMore dot com)
– ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder –
“It takes a village to transform a world!”
Well, I think the best thing would be to support the kids. Not only after the accident, but preventive. Those kids who do such crimes are led astray by blind hate, that only can be cured through loving, care and kindness.
Reblogged this on Jojo Castillo and commented:
Great article, made me rethink.