This is a message to all yous billionaires out there. You know who you are. If you want to buy my vote in a highly contested Wisconsin Supreme Court Justice election, or any election, you’re going to have to do better. A lottery for $1 million dollars is chicken feed in this economy. It’s not enough money to endow a Humane Society facility in need, AND fund a few college scholarships for ambitious students, AND buy reliable cars for a few struggling family members and friends who just want to get to work.

After federal and state taxes on $1 million, what would I have left? A measly $500,000? That’s woefully inadequate to fund my dream of buying a seven-story submarine so I can submerge and survive with my loved ones and a few poets when the global apocalypse arrives.

I never had a chance to win the lottery anyway. Rumor is the drawing was as rigged as the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria. The first “winner” happened to be a Republican golden child, though not biologically related to the billionaire who has fourteen offspring of his own. The lottery wasn’t a lottery. It was political nepotism. That’s false advertising, Mr. Billionaire, which deserves an FBI investigation, if there are any agents left who haven’t been fired.

To buy my vote, you’re going to have to do more than sponsor a bogus lottery just before an important April Fools’ Day election. Try doing something good in Wisconsin, like building affordable housing and housing the unsheltered, or making dental care free to all, or buying the Brewers a top tier free agent like Juan Soto so maybe we can beat the Mets.

Dear billionaire, if you want to prove you’re serious about voting and democracy, you could expand the lottery to every Wisconsin county and ensure it’s corruption free. Cripes, yous could even sell tickets for a $1 apiece, and I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass. That would be better than required petition signing or taking a picture with a picture of Schimel.

** Happy birthday today to my beloved daughter, April, an amazing woman, teacher, mother and friend!